I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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