cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Holy shit dude........stairs
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
