I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
