My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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