I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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