I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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