I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
