This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
