new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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