There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize