it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
