my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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