Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
