i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
