I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
