On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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