I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
