Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
