Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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