his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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