Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
