i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
