spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
