by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
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