all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
