Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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