If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
