i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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