I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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