The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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