i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
