I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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