I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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