I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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