i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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