Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
