just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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