He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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