Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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