i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
