I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
