god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
