onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So much rum. So many feels.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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