you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it's like iHOP with fire
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
