No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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