A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
