Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Let's get the cat blown out
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
