Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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