Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize