I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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