my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
