I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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