Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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