I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
