There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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