I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
