I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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