I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
